CHAPTER THIRTEEN
PureBS
KQED, the San Francisco affiliate of PBS hired me on three occasions. Perhaps the first three-month stint of lambasting pledge; mocking union slugs; and wearing a “I Hate Public Television” button didn’t alienate enough of the self-righteous who populated this particular public broadcasting outlet.
During the second stretch at KQED, Yan Can Cook, a favorite show of mine, ended up on my management roster. Martin Yan, a charming and energetic man, never mastered the English language. While this elevated the whimsical personality of the brand, it did cause some consternation amongst his underwriters and sponsors.
One day, after waking up the union stage manager, we shot promos for the show.
Angry Stage Manager: “Fisherman’s Wharf Consortium.
Promo! On. 5, 4, 3 . . . “
Martin Yan: “And dis time of yee-ah, you can take a trip to
Fishahman’s Woof, where you can enjoy fresh Dungeness
CRAP!”
Angry Director: “Cut!”
Martin Yan: “Problem?”
Legend has it that KQED lost the Fisherman’s Woof (Wharf) sponsorship due to Martin’s diction problems with Dungeness Crab. In the interest of keeping the stupid racism accusations to a minimum, I won’t cover the shoot with the guest Thai chef who came on Yan Can Cook to make something with peanut sauce.
Yes, peanut sauce. Give it a try.
And if Martin Yan’s questionable pronunciations were the only issue at KQED, and by extension PBS, the very concept of public broadcasting wouldn’t be so irksome. Whether the stooges on cable TV will admit it or not, much of it is funded from the public trough.
In addition to top-heavy management, labyrinthine union rules, and whiny production personnel, the affiliate ran a daily and nightly slate of programming which appealed to aging hippies, angry minorities, and guilt-ridden Caucasians.
In other words, less than 50% of the potential market at best, leading to an ongoing slate of pledge breaks.
A typical spate of an evening’s fare, consisted of 99% national feed and 1% of the pathetic excuse for local programming, laid out as follows:
6pm – 7pm – The McNeil-Lehrer News Hour (of some clone thereof) – Tonight our two Woodward and Bernstein Wannabes present the news of past week with an emphasis on sticking a thumb in the eye of traditional Americans. Our field reporters, recently returned from internships at the Kremlin, go on location to cover American Imperialism in the four corners of the world.
7pm – 8pm – TWIT BAY AREA – This Week In The Bay Area. A series of featurettes on the topics that interest the residents of Kooktown, USA (In fairness, KQED does refer to the city as San Francisco) and its environs. Among tonight’s topics: The concept of White Privilege will be beaten to death by a KQED producer of color who couldn’t make it in the private sector. Yet another inside look at the local burgeoning activist community. And our weekly expose on some rich, White people who don’t pay their fair share of taxes.
8pm – 9pm – Beverly. A documentary produced by our sister station, WGBH/Boston. It’s the story of a young hermaphroditic transsexual who always felt, deep down inside, that they were a little ‘different.’
9pm – 10pm – Enrico. A documentary produced by our sister station, WGBH/Boston. It’s the story of a young hermaphroditic transsexual who, in addition to being an undocumented person of color, always felt, deep down inside, that they were a little ‘different.’
10pm – 11pm – Masterpiece Theater, Midsommer Murders or Agatha Christie Mysteries.
****
The beauty of KQED programming, and by extension PBS, is that you could fill out the viewing schedule in a matter of minutes for all seven days of the week. A name or title change here and there for the documentaries produced by WGBH and a microwaved list of the topics that The MacNeil – Lehrer News Hour (Or some clone thereof) and TWIT BAY AREA provided some at the station with a cushy job.
TOMORROW: MORE BLOAT FROM THE PANHANDLING BROADCASTING SYSTEM
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