THE BIG BOARD, ANOTHER BRILLIANT IDEA BY PHIL
Phil: “Looking forward to the Halloween party?”
I finished my financial report on the Charlie Pickell brokered gear, and brought Phil up to speed on the construction of the six additional stages.
Phil: “Tell me again why I’m paying Charlie a commission.”
Me: “Because without Charlie, you’d have overpaid for the Lighting and Grip and the Nikon lenses. And given his resources compared to my resources in the world of black market, for lack of a better word, and obsolete gear, you’d have maybe one G7 camera in here by now.”
Phil: “Okay. Okay. No need to get defensive.”
Me: “Sorry. Guess I’m just itching to get out of Skellington, much as I’ve absolutely loved my five weeks and four and a half days here . . . but who’s counting?”
That oppressive blood circulation killing silence drifted over his office again.
Phil: “About that.”
Phil drummed his chin. Never a good sign.
Phil: “I think you know that Jill is pregnant?”
Me: “Other than her current combination of Dolly Parton’s boobs and Rosie O’Donnell’s body? Nothing unusual about the changes to her physiognomy would scream ‘Pregnant!’”
Phil: “You are not going to make this easy, are you?”
More chin drumming. I exhaled. Loud.
Me: “Just give me the dates. I’ll consider how many parts of you are going to end up in the body bag as it leaves Skellington. Do you think I could arrange the guy with the purple hair in Studio 6 be interviewed on the evening news after I chop you up into little pieces? I always wanted someone to tell the stupid reporter, “But George was such quiet, kind, and gentle man. Always kept to himself.’”
I exhaled.
Me: “Just tell me how long this time.”
Phil: “Sometime after the Holidays.”
My mistake for not asking which Holidays.
****
Shortly after Halloween, or the National Holiday of Kooktown, USA, I relinquished the completion of the studio build out to the capable Rob Anderson. Phil had me take over scheduling The Nightmare Before Christmas. Please review Big Board on page 127, the apex of efficiency.
Courtesy reminder that the Big Board was modeled after the Strip Board, an organizational tool used in feature films and episodic television. And for those of you who understand the term Strip Board, you can skip ahead to page 125 for the next infusion of humor.
For those of you who don’t understand the term, Strip Board, here’s a primer:
1. The Strip Board is a complex, but once understood, very logical way of scheduling a feature film, or any production that requires the organized collision of more men and resources that can actually be brought to bear on something almost as complicated as landing an army on a beach no wider than a country road . . . in bad weather . . . with angry people shooting at you. Thank you all for your service.
2. The Strip Board consists of a hard press board book the length and width of a king-size bed’s back support with more folds than a dining room table expanded to include every undesirable member of your immediate family at Thanksgiving.
3. The Strip Board works like an incomprehensible physics lecture with an X and Y Axis. Time is on the X Axis (Or the Y Axis. I forget.). And Resources; Labor, Cast, Equipment, Location, Time of Day, Interior/Exterior, Location/Studio, Original Photography/Re-Shoot/Pick-Up Shot, 1st or 2nd Unit, The Torah, A hand-copied version of the Constitution, and the original Encyclopedia Brittanica are placed on the Y Axis (Or the X Axis. I forget.).
4. The Strip Board served one purpose during the production work I performed on more than a half dozen Hollywood Features, several independent films, a couple of episodic TV shows, and three video games for George Lucas.
That purpose was to confuse the Hell out of everybody except for the OCD-suffering Assistant Director who puts the Strip Board together. This assures job security, whether you suck at your job or not.
The Strip Boards gave assistant directors, all of whom descended from German Kaisers, the opportunity to publicly humiliate every other person on the project. This elevated ADs to a level where they could only be humiliated by Whiny God King Directors and quota hire relatives of studio heads.
That is the Strip Board. Given this pedigree, it came as a surprise that Phil and Ms. Tuolumne County decided to schedule 800 effects shots in this Gordian Knot of producing, the Strip Board, now known as the Big Board of The Nightmare Before Christmas.
With the departure of Ms. Tuolumne County to maternity leave, I would become part of the circle of employees granted access to The Big Board. As a newly pledged member, I spent the next ten months learning to love the sound of whiny animators.
Prior to maternity leave, Ms. Tuolumne County and Phil led me downstairs to the vault that housed The Big Board. I discovered The Big Board did not consist of 4 x 8 sheets of plywood, laquered dark brown, and hinged together like an early version of the Canterbury Tales generated by unemployed monks.
Oh no. The Big Board occupied an entire room, roughly 20’L x 12’W x 12’H. At first glance it looked like the photo heading this article.
TOMORROW: Annoying the Rank-and-File
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