Visual EFX. Please God. No! 1986
Frito-Lay is the purveyor of the finest junk food on the planet, and before the politically correct, humorless mob took over the United States, also owned the most charismatic advertising mascot since the Michelin Man, the Frito Bandito.
They introduced a health snack in 1986, and the rest, including the Frito Bandito, is history.
This inedible gunk, branded “Apple Chips,” was a colossal failure.
Before this escapade unfolds, I’ll let you in on one of the most depressing aspects of client responsibility. They absolutely suck at providing any of the actual product that a) their company manufactures, and b) is the object of the film shoot on which they are spending way too much money.
A constant in my career, from my first year as a PA to my last year as a producer, was I could count on the beloved client to bring none of their product to set. The most heated conversation regarding this issue occurred during a tabletop shoot for 409.
The parent company, Clorox, had issued NEW AND IMPROVED 409 for the 3,452nd time, and initiated a brand new advertising campaign. The timeline for the shoot looked like the following:
- Day 1 of 15 (Shoot on Day 16) – Pre-pro meeting with attendees of production company, latest chubby agency, and fifteen Clorox sycophants. One of the sycophants, Bob from product marketing, is tasked with delivering a case of the product, unopened to the production company a week before shoot to run some tests.
- Day 2 of 15 (Shoot on Day 16) – Bob from product marketing leaves for a two-week vacation.
- Day 15 (Shoot on Day 16) – Bob, tanned and rested, returns from Tahiti. He places phone call to producer.
Bob: “Looks like I can’t find any 409 in any of our fifty-two factories worldwide. Just have a PA pick some up in the local stores.”
Before the producer asks which stores might have NEW AND IMPROVED 409…
Bob: “I get in tomorrow at eleven AM. Just have a PA meet me at the airport and bring me straight to set.”
Producer: “Call time is seven AM. We have to be shooting by nine to make our day.”
Bob: [Click]
Producer: “George, start hitting all the grocery stores and get as much NEW AND IMPROVED 409 as you can. And tell Ben Oshman to be prepared to clean up the bottles you do find and have them camera-ready.”
Me: “Oh, he’ll love that.”
Producer: “What’s that?”
Me: “Seriously, Ben loves that stuff.”
Producer: “Get going.”
The daily foray into saving a client’s lethargic and incompetent behind is always exciting. My other favorites: hiding from Lurch at General Camera; avoiding double-parking in midtown Manhattan; and searching for the elusive public restroom. All are a PA’s daily nightmare. But nothing compares to finding decent product manufactured by the actual client. The challenge of that might push Lurch to second place on this list. It’s that much fun.
Regarding restrooms and parking as they apply to the other enjoyable parts of my days spent in a cargo van, don’t assume Gristedes Supermarkets are going to let you into their employee restroom after cadging their entire supply (three bottles) of NEW AND IMPROVED 409. Even the best grocery stores presented parking problems. Remember, Costco hadn’t become a “thing” yet, and Walmart didn’t dare dip a toe into the five boroughs in the mid-eighties.
After a sixteen-hour day of driving from East Harlem to the East Village and all the grocery stores in between, I secured twenty-eight bottles of NEW AND IMPROVED 409, and packed them in a crash box surrounding each with layers of paper towels and bubble wrap.
Prepared for a much-deserved ticker-tape parade down Broadway having rescued the beloved client from themselves once again.
I had no clue I’d be doing this for the next thirty-three years, always sans ticker-tape parade.
Next day on set, I presented my neatly packed crash box to the prop department along with the instructions to clean the bottles and make them camera-ready. Ben Oshman, the best prop master I had occasion to work with in New York City, took on the challenge and turned the smudged and grimy shelf-ridden product into pristine NEW AND IMPROVED 409. Am certain Ben’s magic transformed the off-the-shelf product into a much more camera-ready presentation than any of the promised shrink-wrapped stuff not obtained by the client and not sent to the production company.
The day began with breakfast. Craft service set up well before call time and the biblical plague of locusts, led by the Teamsters and the latest chubby agency, stripped the table clean in about twenty minutes. This brought about the usual bellyaching from the rest of the crew, who apparently didn’t know you could buy food and keep it at your house for, oh, breakfast.
TOMORROW: EXCERPT 7 / PART 2 - The Product Tango Continues!
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